Thursday, March 11, 2010

The High Road

I am being haunted by this beautiful song called "The High Road". For months now. You can hear it hear:http://www.brokenbells.com/home.html. If you click on the "lyrics" box in the lower right corner, you'll see the lyrics as they're sung.

I don't know what it's about. Suicide? Drugs? War? I just think it's beautiful - the part I listen to over and over is the end - "It's too late to change your mind, you let loss be your guide". The harmonies slay me. Broken Bells is the producer Danger Mouse and the lead singer from The Shins, James Mercer.

I'm not doing so well right now. Having a bit of an MS flare-up - foots not working, arm's not working and the fatigue is back. I skipped my LDN meds for about 5 days, so maybe I did it to myself. I'm back on it, and taking it in the morning instead of at night, to try and avoid the fucking insomnia it causes me.

As a blogger friend of mine said a few months ago, I try hard not to complain. But I'm gonna, right now. I know this will pass, but man, I'm not feelin it.

At the moment, I'm tired of the fucking struggle. Everything is a stuggle, but MS is definitely one. Keeping my house - even just the kitchen - seems impossible to me now. I can't do it. I can't take care of my kids properly. Things at my job, even though it is allegedly part-time, are HORRIBLE. Really horrible. I've never had such at nightmare at work. I have an ounce of integrity left and I'm holding on to it for dear life. I owe the IRS $14,000 this year. I need a bigger car to fit teenagers in. I'm exhausted. I sound like Richard Lewis :-)

Look, yes, I know - I'm lucky in so many ways. I have a job, I have beautiful, loving children, I have some great friends. Jon Stewart exists. It doesn't feel right to complain.

What am I going to? Ok, I'm going to call a tax attorney, hire someone to clean my house, and try and get past this goddamn flare-up. It won't always feel this crappy.  Maybe tomorrow will be better.

And listen to Broken Bells.

4 comments:

K. said...

Step back! You're not going to let the house go permanently and you're not going to neglect the kids for life. So, if you have to let go every now and then, the kitchen will still be there and the kids will understand.

Put on Who's Next or Quadrophenia, turn it up LOUD, and, give yourself a break! You deserve it.

Word Verification: immense can (I kid you not)

barry knister said...

If biology is destiny, writing is character. Anyone under the pressures you face who can still compose good sentences must have much of what she needs. Hang tough.

trrish said...

Thanks for the support, Citizen K.! You are right. Turning up Quad loud is a great antidote to whatever's ailing me :-)

trrish said...

Barry,

I just checked out your blog. You're the lone liberal in Naples!! My mom lives there - she is one of your conservative neighbors. I live in Boulder, Colorado and I like to joke with my mom that we live in towns that could not possibly be more opposite. She once said to me "Patty, I can't believe you are 40 and not a Republican yet'. 'Mom, do you know me at all???', I said.

She once pointed out the house of GM's Roger Smith as we were driving by, saying "That horrible man Michael Moore made a documentary about him."

Naples is a beautiful place and I hope you and your wife find people to hang with.