I'm 55. Here are things I think I believe.
-I believe there is a loving, creative energy in the uinverse that we can access nearly any time we are in a state to receive it. Sometimes I call it God, sometimes I don't.
-I believe this energy communicates with us from within and from without. I don't think I believe that you need to read 25 volumes of religious texts to know about it or understand it.
-I think that without this energy, we've not much to go on but ego, and that gets us in trouble.
-We need some amount of ego to survive in this world. I suspect how we listen to ego determines a lot. One can't believe everything ego thinks.
-I don't trust religion. I do trust God. The trick for me is clearly hearing that voice.
-We're here to realize ourselves, to love love ("God") and to love each other.
-I like comedy that isn't about generalizations, sexism, racism or most other isms. Self-awareness and inquiry is probably one of the funniest platforms to speak from.
-Women have been sold an enormous crock of BS, and we tend to believe it, even as we recognize it.
- Men have also been sold an enormous crock of BS. They don't always recognize it.
-I'm not going along with it anymore. I didn't for many years. But the last 10 years. I've faltered.
-I don't believe in Republicans, Democrats or Libertarians.
-I want to be a loving person, but not one that can't stand up for anything. I've let myself get discouraged.
-I love some people who attend the church I've been going to for 10 years. And, I don't think I'm living from integrity anymore. I want that back.
-Getting older has been messing with my sense of self. I need to reclaim that.
I'm taking back my agency and I'm diving back into to the pool. I don't understand many, if not most, things about this world, but watching from the sidelines isn't cutting it for me. At one time, I felt I knew who I was. And I liked me. I haven't felt that way in several years and the only one who can change that is me. So here I go.
Wednesday, November 05, 2014
by trrish at 5:28 PM
Friday, April 12, 2013
Friday, April 05, 2013
Saturday, March 23, 2013
"When the present is unbearable and there is no future, the past comes rushing back."
by trrish at 5:10 PM
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Sunday, January 20, 2013
by trrish at 3:10 PM
Friday, September 14, 2012
by trrish at 3:12 PM
Thursday, August 23, 2012
What I found ignorant about Rep. Todd Akin's remarks about rape has nothing to do with the word "legitimate".
His "theory" suggests that if a woman's body is not prepared for intercourse because she "really" doesn't want the penetration, then it's very hard for the body to get pregnant. But if her body reacts to the rape and tries to accommodate it ('the juices are flowing'), then it's clearly not rape because her body "really" wants it.
Ask any man with erectile dysfunction how much control he had over it before we created the magic blue pill? How many women can magically turn arousal on or off? Mr. Akin - read up. Much of the body reacts involuntarily to arousal. In other words, you don't have to want your body to be aroused for it to happen. Or you may really want your body to be aroused but you can't make it happen.
Your theory is severely flawed.
Remember Serbia, Croatia, ethnic cleansing, raping women so they will become pregnant and bear "half-breed" children? Is Mr. Akin saying 30,000 - 50,000 Croat and Muslim women are lying?
A mind is a terrible thing to waste, and the Republican party is starting to act like they have no use for them.
ps. I'm glad Akin is staying on the ballot. The Republican party knew full well who they were running for the Senate in Missouri before three days ago. Plus, I think he represents his party pretty well. So why not vote for the reality. Prefer ignorance? Vote Akin!
by trrish at 4:41 PM
Sunday, December 04, 2011
Growing up, I thought I was going to be more like Nicholas Kristof. I started out well - was an overnight volunteer every week at a homeless shelter; joined the VISTA program in the US for two years; set off to study sociology and change the world. I don't think I changed the world as much as the world changed me. (I don't know if that is true, but it is a pretty good line.) I have great admiration for Kristof. He's watching out for the truly needy - and he appears to really live it. So here's his list of gift ideas that help someone in need of something.
Gifts That Say You Care
by trrish at 3:08 PM
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Or, this is me recovering from the last year.
I'm worried about myself. I'm watching the pilot episode of the show "Louis". It's not making me laugh. Man, I wanted it to. It's like an odd combination of a Seinfeld, Curb Your Enthusiasm, and Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Except that it's not making me laugh. It literally lifts jokes from those shows, just not very well. Ok, this bit about everything in life not ending well is kind of funny. "Hey everybody, I just brought home a puppy - we're all going to cry soon! I brought home us crying in a few years. Here we go, countdown to sorrow with a puppy!" Maybe it'll grow on me.
I need to find something funny. Maybe I won't find anything funny.
The last year of life has me in a post-traumatic-stress-syndrome funk #49. It's been going on since at least about May or June, when my son got out of the hospital.
But it's easy to forget that there are things to be grateful for.
-My son bought a cookie and a brownie at a bake sale today. That means he has the intention of eating them, although he hasn't yet. But there was a time that wouldn't have happened.
Now this show is grossing me out. Had to turn it off.
-This has been a good week for him, so far. Which means I've also had a better week. This is the first week I've noticed my anxiety level dropping just a tad. My body isn't expecting a disaster every other minute.
-If I had some money, I could pay someone to come in and help me really give a few rooms in my house a good cleaning. Why don't I do that? Give my house a good cleaning, that is. I'm not that guy. I thought maybe I could be that guy, bought a book about it, but haven't read it yet. Maybe what's true is, I'm not that guy right now. Wait, I was going to write about things to be grateful for, not pick on my faults. I'm grateful that we have a house to clean.
Many things are bothering me and one of them is that I haven't been writing. If I was, maybe I'd be dealing with things a bit better. I think there is something about the process of writing that exorcises the voices in my head. I could use some of that. So here goes.
I have been contracting. I have been withdrawing from life, from relationships, and letting my fear and my current lack of resilience rule things. In the past, I would experience this for a while but pull myself up and out and get on with it. I haven't yet done that this time. I do what I have to but nothing more. I'm in too deep. A recent bout of infections has caused MS to flare-up. Not surprisingly, that is not helping anything. I literally don't think clearly when this happens, and there's not much to do but wait it out.
I think something has changed for me relative to anxiety and to worry. I used to be able to quell a lot of it by telling myself vaguely 'oh, don't worry, things are going to work out'. Since my son's rather difficult year, that doesn't work anymore. Because things don't always work out. Sometimes they turn into a scary, hellish experience that rips all traces of confidence and faith out from under you.
And I just don't know how to get them back.
I miss it. I miss the days when I trusted myself, and had faith in myself.
A friend sent me a link to a Salon article about Jeff Tweedy. I had watched the Wilco PR machine churning for the past few weeks. Their new album came out on Tuesday, and it is the first one they've produced on their own label. So it's a big deal for them, and they've been everywhere publicizing it. I haven't listened to a single song yet. I did read the Salon article. Which lead me to read many other Salon articles. I had never spent much time there. I landed on a column called "Since You Asked". Someone writes in with a problem. The columnist answers, and then all the Salon commenters have their say. You'd have to be pretty gutsy to send a letter in. The commenters are a mixture of supportive, nurturing, critical, and downright nasty. After reading a few letters from people who had the nerve to send them in, I thought about myself sending one in. Oh, the field day the commenters would have with me. "Stop thinking about yourself!" "You don't have it as bad as the rest of us!" "Be thankful for what you have". Ok, ok, ok, I know. I have no right to complain.
But there is one errant commenter, in my mind, whose voice quietly persists.
"Give yourself a break for a while. You've been fighting a battle for your son for some time, and it has not been easy. Of course you are letting your relationships slide. You can't stand being such a downer and you shut things down before you get dropped or rejected. It kinda makes sense. You haven't been at your best. You've let your resilience sink underground. The good news is, you can retrieve it. It happens little by little, bit by bit. You find something good to do for yourself one day, and keep it up through the next day. That's the kind of success you can shoot for now. This is rebuilding - what is that Paramore song? Brick by boring brick. Pick yourself back up, and pick up the next brick. You don't have to criticize yourself for not building it faster. Each brick counts, and each brick stays." Ba da ba da ba da ba da.
The next brick. The next dirty dish. The next meal. The next drive into work. The next consultation with a dr.
I remembered today how when I used to go through a bad time as a teenager or young adult, I just clung to music. Music would get me through. It's white-knuckling it -- holding on to whatever grounds you so tight your knuckles turn white. I wonder if music can work for me now. Do I still believe? Neil Young does. I think maybe Eddie Vedder still does. "We all walk the long road". I used to lean on the music and let it hold me up.
It's been a long time since I've felt such terror about life. I can see the reasons for it - losing my former identity from my career, seeing my husband getting laid off, watching things going off the rails with my son, feeling my withering connection with my daughter, starting a new MS drug, being afraid of getting older. For some reason, it surprises me that life requires more courage the older I get. And that I seem to have less of it.
Brick by boring brick. Yes, finding the things to be grateful for is good, but maybe actively building those things into a strong foundation is even better. I don't know that I can trust it, yet. I guess picking up that first brick, and the one after that is an act of faith. Acting as if. I've done it before.
Friday, July 29, 2011
In his defense, he wanted to help me. He saw that this had been a nightmare, and he’d shared some personal things with me about his sister and his mom. But he wasn’t the guy. He didn’t know about PANDAS, let alone believe it could happen. I hadn’t really expected anything, though I was glad to have the prescriptions. I went out to my car.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Google thinks that Facebook is Coke and Google+ is Pepsi, but it's actually RC Cola.
Tuesday, July 05, 2011
by trrish at 9:32 PM
Sunday, March 27, 2011
I've attended a church called "The New Church" for the past 5 years. I like the community. I don't necessarily believe everything that they profess to, but I like being around people who are trying to do the right thing in their lives, and who intend to act from love. It's the only church I ever attended that has the freedom to say that other religions (or no religion) can also be fine. I have my own words for things - I believe that there is a higher love and consciousness and that is what I am referring to when I reference "God". I don't believe that it's our place to make certain judgements about each other. It's impossible to know what is going on inside someone's mind, spirit or body. What keeps me there is the music, and the people I play it with, which includes the pastor. I love playing in the band, and I love hearing live music with a spiritual bent (I am a Who fan after all) when others play it. And, I love to pray. When I first met the pastor, I noticed a huge poster of The Beatles on his office wall, and I figured this was a match made....well, in heaven.
Marriage is a big thing with the New Church. Going there has really helped my own marriage with Ozzie. Ozzie and I are the last people you might expect to go to a church. But we find that it gives us an hour or two to evaluate ourselves, and our life together, and make changes if we need to.
"It's interesting to me that the New Church, and Swedenborg, seems to go out of its way to explain the "non-literal" translation of The Bible, Old testament and New, yet takes all these alleged references to homosexuality at face value.
I would propose that the New Church is limiting its consciousness by how it is choosing to view body type. My body type looks like a woman. My gender seems to be mostly feminine. Others I know with female body types have much more of a masculine gender - with the 'traditional' masculine strengths. And vice versa. Many of those more masculine women are labelled as lesbian because they are attracted to the feminine in another woman.
If you look at the study of intersexed humans (once called hermaphrodites) - those who are born with mixed or ambiguous genitalia - you find heartbreaking cases where a doctor made an arbitrary choice that 'this is a girl' for someone who clearly identified as male. What most enlightened people do theses days is let the child grow and self-identify as male or female.
The existence of intersexed humans to me clearly shows us that gender and body type do not always concur. It seems then that it could be true in all sorts of people, not just the physically intersexed. Why any of us should decide what body type someone else needs to be with...I don't understand. Consider gender as a continuum. We all fall on it somewhere. We've all been given a body that also falls on a continuum beween male and female, with intersexed humans somewhere in the middle.
Why not let the person inside determine where they fall, and who they are attracted to. Perhaps masculine----->masculine is an "abomination". I don't know. But there is no way for someone outside a body to determine which gender that person truly is. Perhaps gender *is* a spiritual issue, not just "natural". Judge not what you cannot see.
I've read just about all of the articles referenced here. Rev. James Lawrence really touched me with his point of view.
I find many of the other articles to be impossible to differentiate from any other Christian denomination, other than mentioning and quoting Swedenborg. I think the General Church could try to go the extra mile and think outside the box on the matter of gender -- in many ways, not just pertaining to homosexuality.
There are some good films and documentaries that delve into the complex childhoods and lives of intersexed humans.
by trrish at 4:39 PM