Ok, I've had almost three days of complete crashing and freakin' mental illness. Hey trrish, remember, 6 years ago when you said "I WILL NEVER TAKE IV STEROIDS AGAIN"? You should listen to yourself.
The stupidest thing is that the symptoms I was having started coming back again today. Not that they had totally disappeared anyway. All my jangling, buzzing, tingling and electrical shocks are happening. I would easily tolerate that crap if I either had some freakin' energy that lasted for more than a couple of hours a day or had a mind that was functioning well. Plus, the crying is really getting over the top. Although, really, why not cry? I think it is cathartic and I don't do it nearly enough anymore. I have a disoriented feeling much of the time, kind of like an acid trip or something. I cannot be trusted with work, heavy machinery or small children. I guess driving my kids to school isn't really the smartest option right now?
Here's the thing with MS. It's always a crapshoot. I don't think anybody really knows anything. Is Tysabri the problem or the solution? Was it not enough steroids or too much? Is there still an infection somewhere? THIS IS WHY I LEFT. I left the neurologists for a few years. At the time, I felt like all the drugs were just getting me into more trouble than good. I did try various alternative approaches but felt dismayed when I still had episodes. I actually had a positive attitude for a while. I don't have it anymore. And right now, I cannot remember what it is like to feel differently than I do right now. I know that I have felt pretty good for 8 months. I just can't remember what it feels like, and I have absolutely no faith right now that I will feel good again. Do you know that 4 years ago I was thinking of doing "motivational speaking" or whatever you call it, because I was doing so well? That seems laughable to me now.
I told my office I was taking sick leave this week and next week so I can get my shit worked out. I wonder if I will? What happens if I don't?
I do keep having a recurring thought. Which is, stop thinking about me and do something for someone else. However big or small. While I think that kind of makes sense, I also think it is just guilt for feeling bad for a month. Something about "I don't deserve to take the time to take care of myself" or some crap. Ozzie said tonight "I give you special dispensation to just be sick. Use it!"
He's right, he's right, I know he's right. Also, Roger Hodgson - would you please consider coming to Boulder to do a show this summer? I could really use it. Thanks.