Sunday, July 29, 2007

Keep Telling Yourself That, Darlin'

Here's my new favorite blog.

Some of her posts made me laugh out loud. I find that I frequently want to blog/write about health issues. My own, of course. The above blog got me wondering, can you still be a hypochondriac if you actually have the disease(s)? Do we need or have a word for obsessive behavior about actual health problems? Maybe that's called getting older. I don't know.

I've been on a major downer of a pill for the last 6 days (two more pills!) for an infection. My god, I've never had this kind of experience on what is essentially an antibiotic. Chronic nausea, tiredness (falling asleep during the day), nightmares and depression. How's that for a cocktail? I really want to get rid of the infection since they are so triggering to MS. So, I've stuck it out. God, I hope it was worth it. I'm refraining from making any major decisions the past few days because I know my state of mind is f*cked up from the drug.

I heard from my neurologist's office that Great-West asked them for a letter of medical necessity to approve the Tysabri. I think the net result of that is mainly a longer wait. The office is always backed up on those kinds of things. It requires them to have to research all of my history, and sum it up so it meets the insurance companies requirements. In my case, it's annoying for them (I imagine) because I have been to 4 neurologists for MS diagnosis and treatments. I take these things personally "see, the insurance company doesn't want me to get the treatment". Well, of course they don't want me to. It's ridiculously expensive. It is so expensive that I have thought about withdrawing my 'application' for it because of the price. I don't even pay that much money for a car. It has used up a lot of my energy going through the last few weeks of medical appointments. I don't remember finding them so trying in the past but I sure do now.

I had a hard time at church today. The first way it was hard was the music. We had a skeleton crew in the band. Many of us in the band are completely average amateurs. There are about three people who are professional 0r near-professional. Today we were missing them. We did fine. I realized how much I depend on the guitarists and that I'm not likely to end up being much of a soloist or star. I feel like there is a lesson in there, somewhere. Everybody can't be stars and if we're all doing all part, the sum of the parts comes out better than the whole. Yet, I feel like I should be better - outstanding. If I'm not, then why do it at all? It's a good example of something I don't want to make a decision about while on this drug.

The other thing was just my general awareness that I don't feel like I fit in. I have trouble with the language. The Bible has always been hard for me to embrace the way I wish I could. The sermons are all about being a better and better person - doing more for others. I fully support that. But before I get there, I have to figure out how to stop hating myself. Somewhere along the way, I think I learned or deduced or was told that there is value in that. Again, I am in a swirling, sucking eddy of despair from the drug, so I'm just going to hang on.

I took some of my family to see The Simpsons movie tonight. The thing that caused me to laugh more than anything else was the guy a few rows behind me. For me, The Simpsons is 50% silly crap that does not make me laugh, and 50% clever stuff that I do find funny. I thought this film was more like 80/20. But the guy behind me LOVED the dumb stuff. "BOOB LADY!!!! HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!". I realized what a freakin's snob I can be. I did enjoy that he was enjoying it so much. There were about 4 or 5 pretty funny things to me overall.


My very favorite part was Marge saying "Goddammit!" It's about time that woman got to swear.

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