I went to church today. My kids didn't come. I usually come out of it feeling up, and today I came out and cried. I felt convicted of being the horrible person I am.
Why am I a horrible person?
Sometimes, I am just tired. This weekend has been like that. I literally just want to sleep, and I did take a few naps. I don't know if this is "ok". Having been someone who has been crippled by depression in the past, how can I tell if my fatigue is depression? it it MS? is it the result of the 15 orange and black m&m's I ate last night at the neighbor's Halloween party?
Maybe it is ok to be just tired sometimes? I can't tell. Do other people get tired like this?
Last time I felt like this, I wrote. The cool thing is, on a blog, I can see when it was. September 18. ~a month a half. Partially I think this weekend my "switch" went off. My switch is something that turns on in about April, and turns off in about the third or fourth week of October. I get tired, sad. I think basically depressed.
Now, there are things to be done about this.
One is, I can get out the light box. It helps to turn it on in the morning and stare into it for a while. Other things that help - taking a shower and washing my hair in the morning. Even though I rarely feel like it. I like being warm, not cold. I prefer baths, yet showers are more invigorating.
I have watched several episodes of House today. Something about Hugh Laurie makes me feel better. He hosted SNL last night, but I didn't find it funny. He was good - just didn't have the material to work with. Problem is, on House, they have a proclivity to build stories around little 7 & 8 year old boys with weird medical problems, so that doesn't work so well for me.
Back to why I am a horrible person.
When I am tired, I can't do what needs to be done. Like, cook, like distract the kids from gamecube, like interfering before the kids all get into a huge fight. I just want to rest. So I don't bring myself into the situation like I should.
Today in church, we heard about integrity. Integrity, as in, don't lust after people in your mind, don't eat too many cookies, don't do this, don't do that. But I want to do it. "Just don't do it! " Huh, if it was that easy, couldn't I just not do it?
Supposedly, if you don't do whatever it is, you'll get the strength and the desire to keep on...not doing it.
For some reason I found it all disappointing. Why the fuck is it so hard to be "a good person" ? If God is all powerful, why not do a better job with creating humans? Why make us so faulty and weak? What fucking kind of torture is this?