Sunday, July 03, 2005

have I climbed the mountain?

My husband Scott (known as Ozzie to some) and I have been working on our marrriage for years. Well, going on 16 of them to be precise. And, the past 8 or 9 years we've been working hard.

In some ways, I think we are a miracle. Neither of us ever went out and f*cked another person through all of it. I'm sure we both thought about it at times, but we never did it.

I think because of that, we were able to hold it together through quite a bit of "thin" (you know, like thick and thin...). And I'm talking really thin. (Ok, I don't mean to say that I'm really thin. Just to clarify.)

I like to use a mountain analogy. We've recently climbed up a very steep part of that mountain. And the view is starting to look better all the time. I think of the Johnny Nash song, "I Can See Clearly Now". All of the bad feelings have disappeared.....all of the dark clouds have passed me by......it's gonna be a bright, bright sunshiny day.

in our minds, we all think there is "The One". The one who is our perfect mate, our perfect lover. I have come to believe that it is an illusion. And we fall into a trap sometimes of being frustrated with the person we are with because they aren't "The One". Well guess what - "The One" is a fantasy. It's pretty heart-breaking (at least for me) to give up that fantasy. But it makes for a much better real-life relationship. I didn't fully realize everyone had "The One" in their heads like I did until recently when reading Pete Townshend's novel/blog The Boy Who Heard Music. Thanks for the heads up, Pete.

I think Scott and I started going in the right direction when we stopped using alcohol as a source of entertainment and..numbing. Then I think we were able to get real with each other.

We've spent a LOT of money on therapists and counselors. I don't think we could have made it here without them. Each one was like an angel in our lives.

I am lucky enough to have met some pretty great friends along the way in life. And many of them I consider to be angels, whatever an angel may be. I feel so lucky to have them it is almost painful.

Tonight I feel so many things -

I feel grateful. Thank you, universe, (driver?), for getting me here!

I feel compassion - compassion for all of us who struggle and struggle with our relationships.

I feel love - love for us as humans, and for how we just keep on trying.

It turns out that sometimes, we can actually get...somewhere.


I'm not saying all of our problems are solved. But, we've jumped a number of hurdles. I guess today has been a turning point for me.

As Jed Bartlet would say.... "what's next???"

trrish

ozzie said...
I don’t worship any one god, I believe in the spiritual power of the god in everything and everyone. Our mountain is a formidable climb, but the view at each summit is one that is illuminated by the soul of our family. I keep tying the laces of our shoes together, but we keep getting up. I can always find a soundtrack to our life, and this no exception. Liz Phair provides a beautiful one in “Wind And The Mountain.”
As Liz sings, I too feel “too tired” but that never changes the belief in my soul that our climb is anything short of what we were given to accomplish in this life. I thank all the gods, especially the one that looks over relationships started in cool bars in Ney York, that I’m climbing with Trrish, Dagny and Adrian.

"Wind And The Mountain"

You lose your way
You've gotta land
You've gotta make another plan
But sometimes I am too tired

You've gotta smile
You've gotta play
You've gotta work another day
But sometimes I am too tired

You've gotta raise your hand and say
I don't understand
But there are days when I'm to tired
There are days when I'm just too tired
And the wind that I'm in
Screams on me
Howls around me

And I feel like I am a naked man
I've got nothing and no one in a stranger's land
And the wind will do me in

Everyday
You've gotta run
You've got a job
You get it done
But sometimes I am too tired

You wanna roll in the grass
Kick your shoes off
Have a laugh
But sometimes I am too tired

I wanna raise my hand and say
I don't understand
But there are days when I'm to tired
There are days when I'm just too tired
And the wind kicks in again and says
Lean on me
Rise above me
And it says
Sailor don't leave the channel now
Deep blue rollers are breaking across your bow
And the wind will guide you in

So I went up the mountain
But all I saw was another mountain
So I came down the mountain
And I said, "leave me here lord"
So I went up the mountain
And all I saw was anouther mountain
So I came down the mountain
And I said, leave me here lord
Leave me in the valley
Let me rest my weary head
Give peace to your survivor
Put all my fears to bed

You lose your way
You've gotta land
You've gotta make another plan
But sometimes I am inspired

You're gonna sing another song
You're gonna right another wrong
And sometimes I am inspired

You're gonna raise your hand and say
I don't understand
There are days when you get an answer
There are days when you find your answer

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