Sunday, September 05, 2004

Notes on Canyon Ranch in the Berkshires, Visit III

Thank you Mayer for Getting me Here

Too early to tell?

I’m waiting for the first plane to Chicago. Too bad there isn’t a yoga room. A little yoga would be helpful right now. The more I write, the calmer I feel. When I sat down I wrote that I need to consider keeping cotton around 24/7 for my ears. There isn’t anyplace to sit in this airport where the tv isn’t on. I would like to be done with television. I’m hoping for wireless in Chicago so I can send this.

Sleep has allowed me to feel whole. Centered.

Screaming baby. Sometimes we are all screaming babies inside. We just crave nurturance. The ranch does such a great job of having the environment provide that. I think there are some concrete things I can do to make my home feel more like that.

Just got on the plane. Good lord, it’s a 20 row mini-jet. It’s so narrow. I’ve never been on one of these.

I realize I am so happy. A little wary about reentry, yes. I am so happy and so grateful that I was able to have the last six days of my life. I feel I can still be connected to the ranch, which is nice.

I read this quote in my journal this morning.

“To know someone here and there who thinks and feels with us, and, though distant, is close to us in spirit ------ this makes the earth for us an inhabited garden.”

Johann von Goethe (1749-1832)

Thanks to everyone who is a part of my garden.

Sometimes I think one of my creative dreams is singing and performing. I had the thought on the plane that maybe, among the many other things I am planning, I will continue to pursue it. I don’t need to be a star, I just need a place to do it. It could just be my forthcoming “white room”. I use to have Jonathon, but he disappeared (he’s the guy I met on the bus who I hired to teach Dagny piano.) God, I wish he would come back. My brother is a great musician, guitar player and he could help. In any case, I’ve got the creative energy right now to do just about anything, so I will put it in the ‘plan’.

Meanwhile I just sneezed about 10 times. What is up with that.

I continued sneezing and sneezing all the way on and off the plane. It’s like I had just had a lymph massage or something. I guess something is being released but I’ve no idea what.

Some thoughts. One, I really love the green earth and trees at the Ranch, and up there in general. I have a screensaver on my laptop with pictures of the Ranch (from their website) and also pictures of labyrinths (from some labyrinth website.) When I look at the beautiful green expanses of grass and trees, I relax, my soul is happy and I feel like getting out of Colorado. Most of the year it is not green here. Maybe I will.

I have this pdf file of a ‘finger labyrinth’. They say if you walk your fingers around it, it has some of the same qualities as the real thing. Once thing is true, just looking at it relaxes my mind.

I fell asleep on the Denver flight again for a while. In between writing, I was watching VH 1 and woke up to Frankie Goes to Hollywood. I used to be freaked by the song (Relax). All the sexual energy in it was a problem for some reason. I noticed that I was kind of digging it as I was waking up. I think that I most certainly cleared up a lot of my blockage around the sex stuff. How cool is that? It’s going to be interesting to see what (or who?) causes it to get triggered again.

What is so great about being at the ranch for that long of a time is that you start to feel that the balanced, relaxed state is what is normal for you. Well, me. I really want to keep it and I think I can do a pretty good job if I stay mindful about it.

What is true

I need my room.
No television required.
Sleep is a wonderful thing. I’d like to make the bedroom more of a sleeping room than an all purpose room.
Bedtime routine for all of us! And for me separately. Starting tonight.

Regarding Mayer

I’m happy I was able to tell him I loved him. I do. A true shaman.

Walking on eggshells. If I stop my part of it, it will give S. space to be healthier. My body systems have so much intelligence. They can handle this, if I would let them. I will.

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